I don't usually do this, but let me get a little bit personal.
Seems like the more people ask me why I'm single (which is almost everyday at this point), the more I think about it. In the society we live in, I find it strange how a lot people consider that there is "something wrong" with single people. I've always been a huge fan of Sex and the City and always thought that this view and categorization of the singletons was only fictional....until I actually became single. Not single for 1-2 months (which are usually the months where you're like "WOOHOO I'm FREE I'M SINGLE yadeh yadeh yadah), but single for a little while now....believe it or not. This is not an essay, this is not some type of justification and most importantly, it is not a way for me to be on the defensive. I'm just keeping it real and letting you know my opinion on that matter. Don't worry, I'm not gonna start singing "Single Ladies" or dance to it. This is me, Sassou, being 100% real on why I'm single and how I feel about all of this....
I've always been the type of girl that had a boyfriend, or someone around...if you know what I mean. It's been that way since I was 15 years old, non-stop. It took me almost 10 years to realize that this wasn't actually a good thing: Was I emotionally dependable on men? Did I always need a guy to make me "complete"? 10 years of going from guy to guy, without finding one that truly brought me long term happiness....but...wait? Do I need a man to make me happy? I'm not sure about that. Love yourself first, right? Yes, but not to the point where you're like "I don't need anyone" because there is no comparison when it comes to the intensity of the feeling you get when you are loved. Although my parents are divorced, I strongly believe in marriage. I just haven't found someone that made me go "Whoa! I wanna be with him that long...through everything". I do have a lot of love to give but before giving part of it (for starters) I'd really like to find someone that actually deserves it...Someone that won't take it for granted or abuse of it and most imporantly, someone that would be happy giving it in return. Ain't nothin' worst than one way love, believe me! I'm that girl that's been in different kind of relationships (long distance, long term, etc.) and I've dated different type of guys from the ones that are super nice to the ones that don't give a damn; from guys that were with me just because of physical attaction from ones that really had a lot of stuff in common wtih me. But out of all of that, I think the very worst were the jealous, mean and controlling type of guys. The fact that I've allowed myself to be in bad relationships is my biggest reflection right now.... What was I missing? What on earth was I thinking? Is it me? Was I that much of a sucker for love that I was willing to accept certain things that - when I think about them now - were totally unacceptable? I do have a loving father (I love you dad...) but these choices of men....*sigh*....no comment. Was it because he wasn't fully present in my daily life? I swear, I think about this all the time...
People have this idea of who I am, but only a few know me really
well. I am far from being perfect and being alone is constantly making me work on myself. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but that's how it is. I know that I'm smart, nice (a little bit too much sometimes), pretty and determined. I'm an eternal optimist, I'm straight forward, I love to cook for people, I'm generous, a goof and I am extremely attentionate towards the people I love and care about. But you know what? I'm also hard headed, shallow, passive (I have this whole "I don't give a f*#k" attitude that gets me in trouble), impulsive, impatient, naive at times and in constant denial that yes, I am very sensitive and get really, really sad when my feelings get hurt. I cry, I pout sometimes, I complain, I'm not happy all the time: I'm human.That is me. Sometimes, being single can mean admitting that you do have flaws. It means stepping back, thinking about your attitude from your own perspective and just telling yourself "Damn...I need to work on this and on that". Your friends and family might help you with this, but you don't have a significant other fighting with you about it, often reminding you of it and somehow forcing you to go in this whole "reflexion mode". Of course, I do believe that being in a relationship should also be about the other person helping you work on yourself (since they love you, they should want the best of you). BUT! Realizing things by myself is totally different.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST....That's not always the easiest thing to do, you know? It takes a lot... Loving yourself is more than just reading a book about it, or having people tell you you're awesome. Loving yourself is not about taking a yoga class, being obsessed with the gym or putting tons of makeup. It's actually a process...a process with a deeper meaning... Loving yourself means that you can allow someone else to love you, without being scared because of the the scars from the past. Loving yourself also means forgiving yourself for past mistakes and allowing yourself to become a better (not a bitter) person. Finally, loving yourself means that when someone loves you, you're able to focus on their happiness because YOU'RE happy. I'm getting there :) I believe in God and I think that he cannot give me anything that I cannot handle...everything happens for a reason. I've never worked on myself more than in the past 7 months. I'm slowly but surely figuring what I want in life in terms of career and especially in terms of what kind of respect I want from men and from people in general.
Am I being too picky? Am I being selfish for taking time for myself? Maybe, but I don't want to get hurt again *sad melancholic violin playing*. I know you must've heard that a thousand times! I used to laugh about it too (especially when they cry about it in those r'n'b songs) but now, NOW I understand why people say that. I'm not gonna go too deep in the "bad relationships" subject, but when you've been there, you start thinking "How did I let that happen? Wtf was wrong with me?" This whole "self-discovery" process is not an easy or quick process people. I believe that the moment you take responsibility for your endeavors and stop blaming the other people for all the bs that happened in the past is the moment you grow up.... I have to let it go...
There is another thing that constantly bothers me: I'm more than just a pretty face, and it seems like it's harder than before to find someone that's gonna wanna get to know me beyond the physical aspect. Call me cocky, I don't give a damn, but I know I have sex appeal. Okay, that's nice, but that's not it. Did you know I'm an intellectual nerd that has been reading a minimum of one book a week since I was 6 years old? No? I didn't think so. Did you know I collect postcards and art from around the world? No? Yeah, well you didn't ask. If I didn't have this blog or if I didn't have you on Facebook, would you know I love to cook? Would you know I have thoughts and opinions and passions? Do you know why I hate kiwis? I knew you didn't! I hate generalizing, but that's the whole impression I'm getting from many boys/men nowadays. At one point I was so pissed at the fact that these guys were just talking to me about how I look that I tweeted how I was gonna cover up and not wear fitting clothes anymore, because that's what serious guys in Montreal seem to like. I was kind of joking, but I am sick and tired of people using weak and borderline disrespectful comments solely to compliment on my looks. Don't get me wrong, I feel flattered but at one point I feel like "ok is that it? That's all you have to say?"I wonder how "fulfilled" these guys feel when they are just interested in a girl because they find her hot or just because they only want to sleep with her. I'm sure they feel "complete".....#sarcastic. Nah for real, I know how a lot of guys that are this way simply don't give a sh*t, have no respect for females or want nothing serious at all. Fine, I respect your life choices, but have some respect for women please! Because the guys out there that really have game AREN'T disrespecting women: They are so good at what they are doing that the women often don't even realize they are smartly getting played. Any who, this is not the subject of this. Just a little parenthesis, that's all :P
|Single Ladies show on VH1: Not real life|
So I'm single because life made it so, right now. I'm normal, I breathe, I'm healthy, I have a job, I have family, friends, hobbies, passions etc..... I AM NOT AN ALIEN or some sort of unknown bug. Yes, I get lonely sometimes and I miss certain things about being in a relationship like the affection, companionship, the laughs
Life ain't perfect, but it has a meaning. "When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade" ;) And the next person that will tell me "Omg how come a pretty girl like you is still single" might actually get a lemon thrown in his/her face. #ImDone