July 5, 2011

Better single than sorry

I don't usually do this, but let me get a little bit personal.

Seems like the more people ask me why I'm single (which is almost everyday at this point), the more I think about it. In the society we live in, I find it strange how a lot people consider that there is "something wrong" with single people. I've always been a huge fan of Sex and the City and always thought that this view and categorization of the singletons was only fictional....until I actually became single. Not single for 1-2 months (which are usually the months where you're like "WOOHOO I'm FREE I'M SINGLE yadeh yadeh yadah), but single for a little while now....believe it or not. This is not an essay, this is not some type of justification and most importantly, it is not a way for me to be on the defensive. I'm just keeping it real and letting you know my opinion on that matter. Don't worry, I'm not gonna start singing "Single Ladies" or dance to it. This is me, Sassou, being 100% real on why I'm single and how I feel about all of this....

I've always been the type of girl that had a boyfriend, or someone around...if you know what I mean. It's been that way since I was 15 years old, non-stop. It took me almost 10 years to realize that this wasn't actually a good thing: Was I emotionally dependable on men? Did I always need a guy to make me "complete"? 10 years of going from guy to guy, without finding one that truly brought me long term happiness....but...wait? Do I need a man to make me happy? I'm not sure about that. Love yourself first, right? Yes, but not to the point where you're like "I don't need anyone" because there is no comparison when it comes to the intensity of the feeling you get when you are loved. Although my parents are divorced, I strongly believe in marriage. I just haven't found someone that made me go "Whoa! I wanna be with him that long...through everything". I do have a lot of love to give but before giving part of it (for starters) I'd really like to find someone that actually deserves it...Someone that won't take it for granted or abuse of it and most imporantly, someone that would be happy giving it in return. Ain't nothin' worst than one way love, believe me! I'm that girl that's been in different kind of relationships (long distance, long term, etc.) and I've dated different type of guys from the ones that are super nice to the ones that don't give a damn; from guys that were with me just because of physical attaction from ones that really had a lot of stuff in common wtih me. But out of all of that, I think the very worst were the jealous, mean and controlling type of guys. The fact that I've allowed myself to be in bad relationships is my biggest reflection right now.... What was I missing? What on earth was I thinking? Is it me? Was I that much of a sucker for love that I was willing to accept certain things that - when I think about them now - were totally unacceptable? I do have a loving father (I love you dad...) but these choices of men....*sigh*....no comment. Was it because he wasn't fully present in my daily life? I swear, I think about this all the time...

Oh oh

People have this idea of who I am, but only a few know me really
well. I am far from being perfect and being alone is constantly making me work on myself. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but that's how it is. I know that I'm smart, nice (a little bit too much sometimes), pretty and determined. I'm an eternal optimist, I'm straight forward, I love to cook for people, I'm generous, a goof  and I am extremely attentionate towards the people I love and care about. But you know what? I'm also hard headed, shallow, passive (I have this whole "I don't give a f*#k" attitude that gets me in trouble), impulsive, impatient, naive at times and in constant denial that yes, I am very sensitive and get really, really sad when my feelings get hurt. I cry, I pout sometimes, I complain, I'm not happy all the time: I'm human.That is me.  Sometimes, being single can mean admitting that you do have flaws. It means stepping back, thinking about your attitude from your own perspective and just telling yourself "Damn...I need to work on this and on that". Your friends and family might help you with this, but you don't have a significant other fighting with you about it, often reminding you of it and somehow forcing you to go in this whole "reflexion mode". Of course, I do believe that being in a relationship should also be about the other person helping you work on yourself (since they love you, they should want the best of you). BUT! Realizing things by myself is totally different.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST....That's not always the easiest thing to do, you know? It takes a lot... Loving yourself is more than just reading a book about it, or having people tell you you're awesome. Loving yourself is not about taking a yoga class, being obsessed with the gym or putting tons of makeup. It's actually a process...a process with a deeper meaning... Loving yourself means that  you can allow someone else to love you, without being scared because of the the scars from the past. Loving yourself also means forgiving yourself for past mistakes and allowing yourself to become a better (not a bitter) person. Finally, loving yourself means that when someone loves you, you're able to focus on their happiness because YOU'RE happy. I'm getting there :) I believe in God and I think that he cannot give me anything that I cannot handle...everything happens for a reason. I've never worked on myself more than in the past 7 months. I'm slowly but surely figuring what I want in life in terms of career and especially in terms of what kind of respect I want from men and from people in general.

Am I being too picky? Am I being selfish for taking time for myself? Maybe, but I don't want to get hurt again *sad melancholic violin playing*. I know you must've heard that a thousand times! I used to laugh about it too (especially when they cry about it in those r'n'b songs) but now, NOW I understand why people say that. I'm not gonna go too deep in the "bad relationships" subject, but when you've been there, you start thinking "How did I let that happen? Wtf was wrong with me?" This whole "self-discovery" process is not an easy or quick process people. I believe that the moment you take responsibility for your endeavors and stop blaming the other people for all the bs that happened in the past is the moment you grow up.... I have to let it go...

There is another thing that constantly bothers me: I'm more than just a pretty face, and it seems like it's harder than before to find someone that's gonna wanna get to know me beyond the physical aspect. Call me cocky, I don't give a damn, but I know I have sex appeal. Okay, that's nice, but that's not it. Did you know I'm an intellectual nerd that has been reading a minimum of one book a week since I was 6 years old? No? I didn't think so. Did you know I collect postcards and art from around the world? No? Yeah, well you didn't ask. If I didn't have this blog or if I didn't have you on Facebook, would you know I love to cook? Would you know I have thoughts and opinions and passions? Do you know why I hate kiwis? I knew you didn't! I hate generalizing, but that's the whole impression I'm getting from many boys/men nowadays. At one point I was so pissed at the fact that these guys were just talking to me about how I look that I tweeted how I was gonna cover up and not wear fitting clothes anymore, because that's what serious guys in Montreal seem to like. I was kind of joking, but I am sick and tired of people using weak and borderline disrespectful comments solely to compliment on my looks. Don't get me wrong, I feel flattered but at one point I feel like "ok is that it? That's all you have to say?"I wonder how "fulfilled" these guys feel when they are just interested in a girl because they find her hot or just because they only want to sleep with her. I'm sure they feel "complete".....#sarcastic. Nah for real, I know how a lot of guys that are this way simply don't give a sh*t, have no respect for females or want nothing serious at all. Fine, I respect your life choices, but have some respect for women please! Because the guys out there that really have game AREN'T disrespecting women: They are so good at what they are doing that the women often don't even realize they are smartly getting played. Any who, this is not the subject of this. Just a little parenthesis, that's all :P

Single Ladies show on VH1: Not real life
As corny as it may sound in 2011, I have this very traditional mindset: I do want to get married, never divorce, be super happy and have kids.. Any guy coming my way who doesn't share those values will have a lot of trouble keeping up with me and I don't think it would ever work out. I do have higher standards than I did before and after much reflection, I do not want to settle for less than what I know I deserve, especially in areas such as respect, affection and shared morals. I think that whenever you settle for less, you force yourself to accept things that hurt you and I believe that life is too short to be sad or disappointed with someone. Right now, I am available but in no rush: I am leaving it in God's hands. I do believe that there is someone for everyone, I believe in soul mates and in long term relationships and all the blah blah blah. Not because of movies or anything, but because I've witnessed real life examples around me (my grandparents for example). If something comes, it comes. I'm being really, really patient right now.

So I'm single because life made it so, right now. I'm normal, I breathe, I'm healthy, I have a job, I have family, friends, hobbies, passions etc..... I AM NOT AN ALIEN or some sort of unknown bug. Yes, I get lonely sometimes and I miss certain things about being in a relationship like the affection, companionship, the laughs and especially the affection etc... But hey....I'm saving a hell lot of money during the holidays....hehehe. No but for real, being single has its ups, it has its downs, sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's depressing, but that's how it is! Every singleton out there has their own personal reasons/excuses/traumatisms/dramas/heartaches etc to why they are in their "check single box" situation. 

Life ain't perfect, but it has a meaning. "When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade" ;) And the next person that will tell me "Omg how come a pretty girl like you is still single" might actually get a lemon thrown in his/her face. #ImDone


  1. Sassou tells the truth and nothing but the truth. It hits hard but its always for the best.
    Pure love, respect, trust and good intentions sont toujours au rendez-vous.

  2. Wow, wow, wow! I'm speechless! Indeed, you have a loving father. Working overseas for years prevented him from being physically with you every day but has always been with you spiritually. However, this also allowed you to visit so many countries all over the world.
    Until today, I believe he continues to be a role model for you.
    I share your strong view points. In fact, it is better to be alone than being with the wrong person (Mieux vaut être seul (e) qu'être mal "accompagné (e)".
    Your beloved Father Garry DesAmours

  3. So touched by your dad's comment :)
    Well put Sassou. Having been in a why-did-I-put-myself-through-that relationship and currently in a most loving partnership, I fully comprehend the unbashfull need to be selfish and to withold venturing into couplehood with someone that is less than deserving.
    Your time will come when you least expect it. In the mean time, keep living your rightful path.

  4. I love it and i love u!!! Speak the truth!!! im glad u mention LOve yourself First!!!... i can relate to : "ohhh how come u single, you're so beautiful!!!" I hate it and people think that beautiful ppl should always be in couple!!! Danmm!!.. and Nowadays Men don't respect women!! So they settle for less then what they deserve..and I dont care if i have to wait 15 years to find this good guy!! loool...
    --Being picky is great!! u learn so much from the past experience that you wont go for the same type of men. YOU want what u deserve...;)

    "I believe that the moment you take responsibility for your endeavors and stop blaming the other people for all the bs that happened in the past is the moment you grow up..." thumbs up!!
    Sophie xoxo

  5. Wooowwww!! I love your article and your point of view because I am living the same experience every single day!!!! Being single doesn't mean being boring... and being single has its up and downs like everything in life..... And when you'll cross the path of your soulmate you'll recognize it right away.... without being perfect, he'll be the one who understands you and make you happy!!!!

  6. Like ur dad said, mieux être seule que mal accomagne.
    Being single is not curse, but a better way to understand and discover who you truly are and learning to love yourself!
    Trust me I was single for a good 5 yrs before the current bf. And that shaped me to be the person I am today.
    Stay strong! Much love

  7. For all is there a time...being single is OK, being married is better when it’s matching...!

  8. I came upon your blog from Twitter and read your insight about being single...You know what I like this post, your realistic reasons as to why you chose to be single and the fact that you are stating that you are attractive yet you want to be seen more than that as well. Even if it get tough sometimes but I learned that it's better to stay single, going through the process of loving your self instead of being stuck in a screwing relationship.

  9. Wow Sass i'm so happy you got the guts to say what's real and believe it or not you're inspiring others and myself :)!I've made real bad decisions myself in relationships. In the few relationships I had I realized that yes I was in long relationships and sometimes I was convincing myself to stay because I did not want to have more than one relationship and I would force myself to make things work although I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I grew not having a father around and I promised myself I would be difficult as hell in relationships and that I would give myself to only to that one guy and get married, have kids and do things the right way pffff! I preserved myself until 19 dated this guy I was friends with for a couple of years and gave myself I remember him telling me we were going to get married and all and then I got scared and then I started questioning my entire childhood and why this didn't feel like the right thing to do at that time to get married to this guy. Then after that relationship things went wrong I attracted even worst relationships the ones with no commitment that you end up crying your life out...believe me I know how important it is to have that alone time called the reality check and it helped me tremendously.I grew up with so much anger inside and I did have good intentions for myself not to be like my parents but I later realize the fact that I was judging them so severely and focusing on their flaws I ended up making the same mistakes. I strived to be this perfect woman which I realize now that we all make mistakes and in those mistakes lies experience that later on leads you to questioning and having that alone time not only with yourself but with God. I felt completely destroyed in my last relationship because everything I didn't want to happen to me ever happened in that very last relationship and it's only then that I understood that the man in your life is the reflection of who you are and if we don't find that time to love ourselves as we would want to be loved than we can't attract it! Change starts within us it all starts with a decision and a will to truly let go of the past. It's one thing to acknowledge all the things we didn't have growing up but it's an another thing to pick up what's left of the missing puzzle and let God put it together so we can built a new reality for ourselves and our future kids! Love you Sass thanks again for sharing I love your blogs and it also allowed me to open up for once!

  10. "Love yourself first, right? Yes, but not to the point where you're like "I don't need anyone" because there is no comparison when it comes to the intensity of the feeling you get when you are loved." ---- sassou this is probably one of my favorite blog entries of yours... i relate to it more than 100% !!! Thank you for being real and keep sharing, i love you xox


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